The point is the pressure on asian children on education is tremendous. You cannot fail, you cannot even falter from an A grade. Most parents in my country are so focused on education that character building is completely ignored Our childhoods give us nightmares and we have but a few fleeting moments in that period here and there that would bring a smile to our faces. I know of a top medical student who had topped since his 1st grade, in 3rd year medical school he got 2nd position and he committed suicide. Since character building is ignored and getting to the top no matter what is instilled in us, our society churns out people who would resort to anything to get on top. They cheat, lie, backbite about other students to teachers that they are trashing them to get competition out of favor. Their behavior is appalling, they are rude and think of no one but themselves. Some are seriously incapable of seeing situations in the light of another person’s perspective. A society where people are ok with doing terrible deeds to one another as long as it doesnt happen to them. And now her life is gone and her family ruined! I feel sad and angry for years of the stupid things she did! Where did morality, kindness, and gratefulness go? She acted like a selfish bitch/psychopath/idiot who just threw everything away! I hope she, Daniel Wong and all the evil killers to learn the lesson and grieve for the rest of their lives. It’s yours, not your parents, it’s noones but yours. What you need to do is be honest even if it means facing things that are difficult. Change your career if you want, travel if you want. So you have debts, everyone does, surely you can afford a holiday, back pack somewhere for a couple of weeks. Say to people ‘you know I’ve been through a difficult few years, I’m trying to figure myself out and it may take a while’ ☺. I had a hard time completing my BA but I did. And then I married and had children, having fully assimilated the role I was told I would have. I think I’ve been a good mother, trying very consciously not to do to my children what was done to me. Still, have nightmares about my mother trying to kill me, 40 years after leaving home. I have been good to my parents all my life, treating them with respect but I do not visit often. I can somewhat relate… except I can’t blame my parents for everything re. My parents discouraged dating as something taboo in high school – I don’t think it was ever explicitly said “you can’t date” but given my dad’s controlling ways and just how he was, I didn’t even think of it. Luckily absolutely no one at my high school interested me so it never came up anyway — I was def. I’m always impressed when I see Asian guys dating — and marrying! If they want a blonde girl — and they’re sincere about it and not just collecting a trophy like their parents often want to do with them — all they have to do is ask her out. And increasingly, that’s exactly what they’re doing. Not sure by the tone of your post, but it almost seems like you’re advocating AGAINST that, no? Hopefully not, because it’s the future, whether the immigrant parents want to acknowledge it or not). I actually did start on my masters degree shortly after graduation my from undergrad degree. At that time I was working full time at a professional job and studying part time.
Looking back at it now 10 years later, I feel he was wanting me to become the master pianist he never had a chance to be. While I know now my parents did genuinely want the best for me, it just doesn’t come across that way when you’re in high school, still trying to figure out what the world is all about and what you even want to accomplish in life. That’s why this story definitely is relatable to me . Im not going to sit here and tell you how equally hard growing up in my household was for me because of my immigrant parents. Trust me, I had the stress, had depression, made bad decisions. BUT I CANNOT SYMPATHIZE WITH PAN. Her actions are NOT justified by any means. The only thing I dont understand in all of this is, why was she still being dependent and living with her parents after turning legal? It seemed like she had her life put together without her parents, so why not just let them go and live on her own? Taking the time, money, and risk to murder her parents, when all she had to do was pack up her belongings and move in with her boyfriend? She really could have been more smart about this. All I can say is… she would have had a better chance being tried mentally unstable, because that is clearly the case. Since she could not make the right decision despite the obvious options and answers sprawled out before her. Although, now society benefits from having one less volatile individual out in the public. “Tiger parenting” has undoubtedly resulted in success for many children. However, the tragedy of the Pan family sheds some needed light on the dark side of this approach. Not all children, for a variety of reasons, are able to measure up to the demands of tiger parents. Not all children are able to earn 4.0+ GPAs or gain admission to prestigious universities. Unfortunately, too many tiger parents are unable to consider or accept that their children either cannot or do not wish to follow the paths that have been laid for them.
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Monday through Wednesday, she stayed with Daniel and his family at their home in Ajax, a large house on a quiet, tree-lined street. Jennifer lied to Daniel’s parents as well, telling them her parents were okay with the arrangement and brushing off their repeated requests to meet Hann and Bich over dim sum. He was a year older, goofy and gregarious, with a big laugh, a wide smile and a little paunch around his waistline. He played trumpet in the school band and in a marching band outside of school. Their relationship was platonic until a band trip to Europe in 2003. After a performance in a concert hall filled with smokers, Jennifer suffered an asthma attack. She started panicking, was led outside to the tour bus and almost blacked out. Daniel calmed her down, coaching her breathing. “He pretty much saved my life,” she later said. “It meant everything.” That summer, they started dating. Jennifer and I both played the flute, though she was in the senior stage band and I was in junior.
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- I don’t blame him for wishing to have been killed that night.
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- She was hysterical on the phone when she called 911 and teared up in the courthouse while describing the sound of her parents being shot.
- But her actions clearly show that of someone who was a sociopath.
I didn’t do well in some subjects but did not ever outright lie about it. At the end of the day, as long as I believe I tried my best, then there was nothing more to give. It is one thing to push your children to excel for themselves, but it is another to push them to excel for you. I think that is the problem with a lot of first generation Asian parents who are recent immigrants. They want their children to get good jobs and make a lot of money so that they can give back to the family and take care of them when they are old. The idea that their children would go way and make new lives for themselves separate from them is a completely foreign concept. And because of this, children growing in a Western society with traditional Asian parents may feel trapped by their parents and feel like they have an unfair obligation that their Western peers don’t have. This doesn’t excuse Jennifer’s abhorrent behavior in any way of course, but it does explain the source of hatred towards her parents. I am now in my late 20’s and living in the Bay Area. I have a respectable career as an accountant in a high tech company, turning my life around completely. It has been over 8 years since the incident, and i feel like it was a lifetime ago. I have a great relationship with my parents and often fly back to visit them. I think they did see that I made my life into something better and respect me for it. I never took a single cent from them while I was at University in NorCal. I had many part time jobs to pay off living expenses and I paid off my 10K loan i took out from school the first 1.5 years upon graduating, in full. I remember one Korean girl getting smacked by her father who came home suddenly from the dry cleaning store to find her blonde boyfriend escaping out the back door. As a child of similar immigrant parents, it’s REALLY wasy to think this during middle school, high school, especially with the ever-present “fuck the man for keeping me down” attitude of the West that Asian parents just can’t understand. It’s an attitude that ALL teenagers have, just exacerbated by parents that come from a different culture and who don’t understand the culture or expectations or even language of a new country. That last bit is so true — parenting is a very important thing that is unregulated, but it is rather impossible to regulate parenting, not to mention a whole ethical can of worms. Perhaps the solution isn’t as a society, some all-encompassing progressive measure, but rather individual families need to come to their individual revelations. In addition, certain individual students/kids may benefit from counseling or seeing a counselor just to talk to, and counselors/teachers should be aware that this dynamic exists in a lot of East-Asian households. I read an article recently about self-segregation in middle/high schools with high Asian student populations due to different academic standards. A lot of these school counselors and principals, while very well-meaning, are Caucasian, and simply don’t understand the kinds of pressures these kids are under. Maybe just awareness and a push for more intimate, open conversation between parents & kids, teachers/counselors & kids, will help kids develop a healthier outlook and healthier coping mechanisms during their formative years. No matter Asain, or otherwise, parents love their children. Of course they’d be upset, but they wouldn’t stop loving her. They proved this by letting up on her after “grounding” her. After what she did, I’d say that’s pretty mild punishment for any culture.
Life sentence is a good way to think about the crap they pulled. Murdering your parents in cold blood is unforgivable. When you failed to acknowledge your poor reading comprehension I wrote you off as a pseudointellectual coward. Now you’re using semantics in a desperate attempt to save face. I don’t even know why you’re engaging with me here since you know all the inside scoop and I know nothing. Maybe, I don’t really know about ryserson science tho.
Trying to help a girl he loved and the greed of coming into some money drove him insane. These tiger parents and their foolish dreams are to blame. Completely overwhelmed by American/Western dream in order to make up for their own impoverished childhood. Hey, I am grateful but my job right now sucks.. I don’t really want to get into it but it’s not at my potential. So I’m basically underemployed… just doing this in the meantime until I find a better job in a law firm or elsewhere. I went through 8 years of school/articling and debt so I’m hoping I’ll find somewhere to make it all worth it. As an Asian parent, it’s good for me to read your story. Although I am not much of a “tiger” father, I do want to know the feelings from the children’s points of view. She’s not exactly the kitten face gamine type that gangsters actually like to have as girlfriends. She’s kind of the opposite of their usual type. No tiger parent does it out of some perverse trophy-wife like feeling of showing off their kid. They all do it out of their belief, rightly or wrongly, that this will give a better life for their kids. That is why Asian tiger parents almost always pay for college, and often even help buy a car after – they live for their kids and would be willing to spend their last penny on them. I’m actually not hugely sympathetic towards the father, who I think bears a non-trivial degree of responsibility for the ruin that his life has become . But while Mr. Hann’s insane expectations and horrible parenting may have started his daughter down her dark track, at the end of the day it was her own lack of character and willpower that kept her from jumping clear of it before it was too late. Having overbearing parents doesn’t even get you half of the way to murder.
He said a whole bunch of nonsense in the car on the drive home – things like I was a failure, the stupidest daughter he had ever seen, an embarrassment. I was upset and I knew at the time that I had to GET OUT the minute I finished high school. I was only in my Sophomore year at the time, and had 2 more years to go. In junior year, i went to prom and the moment I got home, my dad came and slapped me on my face. I cried and shouted like WTF is wrong with you in my broken Cantonese. My mother, who said nothing, just watched as my dad attacked me. I ran to my room, locked it and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity. I thought about suicide but I couldn’t do it. I knew there were much bigger things out there for me and what I could become if I just stuck through it. Yup, the focus should be on them, and how they contributed—directly and indirectly—to making her the monster she is. It’s NOT India or Eastern Europe or The Middle East or anywhere else.
This led her to decide, why even try to get them to love me? She never realized that maybe her parents were so disappointed because they had given her so much. Maybe that thought will occur to her one of these days while she is serving a life sentence. It is possible that all parents love their children (I’d be surprised if this were completely true, but whatever. I work with parents and kids for a living and am educated in this area). However, when they attempt to live through them and gain status for themselves at their children’s expense, they are not behaving in a loving fashion. It’s not “best for the children” to have only studying in their life. It’s not best for them if you determine their path and make it clear you will withhold love and approval unless their program is performed to high, ruthless standards. They may feel culturally imperative but nevertheless, this kind of pressure is very destructive. All of this has made me a compassionate person.
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But obviously there are limits on what they can do. I find other ways to contact friends, or I talk with them on facebook. It’s possible to do this just because they’re not as adjusted to technology. I haven’t sneaked out before, just because they live too far away. I wouldnt have an opinion otherwise or judge her as being selfish but I am pointing out that people see Asian immigrantss as selfish, tactical and ungrateful. But it is still about HER child excelling – not circling back and taking a year off of your career to mentor less fortunately parented kids to excel academically. I think Tiger Mom exposure coalesced resentment in other high achievers and non achiever parents for Asians – there’s defintitely a current of no personality, perfect on paper assessment. Well there is just an idea that foreigners will be insulting to their daughters and that the foreigners will not feel like their daughter is family but disposable. I had a fancy classmate who copied an O Henry short story and got an A from a difficult required writing class. I just hope he’s not a doctor or a lawyer that I ever need to help me. They dont want to be moms then – they just want their retirement insurance – having kids who will caregive – to be as wealthy as possible so they are more likely to enjoy cruises in their old age. Canadians are hard – there’s no way they can’t see through her. Agatha Christie is still a favorite author, right? That cynicism is very reassuring in a world of Weeping Angels and Jennifer Pan weeps only for herself. D) I was merely pointing out that mental abuse is a horrible thing and you were belittling it. Also that MAYBE the reasons why she didnt run away, or whatever else, is BECAUSE she didn’t know how the real world works WHICH IS, in fact, related to what you had initially mentioned/commented. And don’t assume, because, obviously, you’re the type to assume since you just did. A) Im NOT saying you’re allowed to kill your parents or have them killed. The sad thing is that my friend will probably be like that to her own children. I hope I can at least stop that from happening. She needs to stand up for herself but she just wants approval, for her mom to be proud, but her mom never is. It’s wonderful that you were able to reflect and change your parenting practices, and are reaching out to help other parents in your community. I hope you and your son have a long, loving, happy relationship. C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years. Their lives and successes are my top priorities in my life. I think Jennifer’s biggest problem was that she didn’t know how to plan an escape and Daniel was no help. She kept up the lies for years so that meant she should have been able to bank some of the money she was earning and plan to move out or move away.
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BUT, as with all teenagers, a massively important part of becoming an adult is realizing that somethings that seemed awful at the time were actually done with your best interests in mind. Realizing that your parents are human and that they certainly made mistakes, but still tried to raise you as best they could, is called growing the fuck up. Something that Pan, for whatever reason, never learned to do. You seem more caught up in right or wrong as the law sees it. For most of us, we don’t give a crap about that. We’re more interested in fixing the underlying problem. I grew up in the California bay area as well, experiencing the same cultural upbringing you describe. Never once did I, or my peers for the matter, do what Jennifer did. I don’t see this so much as an indictment against “tiger parenting”, but rather the tale of a woman with untreated mental/ emotional instability, who very well may have been a sociopath and a pathological liar. It is an isolated incident that is only symptomatic of this woman’s evil. At 24, she could have easily left and went to live on her own. She had already demonstrated that she had the intelligence and ingenuity to survive outside her parents home. No matter how controlling her father was, she was an adult who couldn’t be stopped if she wanted to move away. Despite receiving minimal punishment compared to other Asian immigrant parents, this depraved, gutless toad chose an evil path every time. This article is very bias on the fact that Karen herself had “tiger parents” and struggled with people accepting her “overconfident and overbearing” behaviour. Karen always hung around boys and like sports and being “rough” more than being a typical female high school student. Right now this is about a pedantic blowhard who loves the sound of his own words so much he can’t hear others unless there’s a shot at doing some damage control. No style manual, ever, has called them this, and stylizing your brackets as round would be misleading in langauges, and disastrous if you worked in STEM fields. I bring this up with you only because you are claiming the contrary as fact. I brought it up with Boris Moris because he claimed that by “bracketing qualifier” it changed the meaning of his sentence. He was rudely insulting my reading comprehension skills since I did not recognize that using parenthesis was the same as bracketing, and that in either case this changed the meaning of his words. If you re-read what he wrote, it does not change the unintentional meaning of what he wrote. Correcting people’s language was an impolite thing for me to do, but I was quite irritated after five or so ad-hominem attacks from Boris Moris, who continues to harass me online. How is “not having abusive narcissistic parents” an easy prevention strategy? Could you also provide a list of cultures with dysfunctional child raising practices that leads to homocide causing abuse? It would be helpful to know who potential killers are by the color of their skin. I think your higher threshold for triggering sympathy in this situation may be due to that you’ve not been pressed to your breaking point. I agree that the family did not help matters with this girl.
- Don’t be afraid to ask but be polite; if they won’t serve you what you originally ask for you’ll always have a chance to order something else.
- This led her to decide, why even try to get them to love me?
- I think in Jennifer’s situation, things could be a lot different, if a lot of different factors would have been implemented.
- I lucked out that when my parents made me switch schools in elementary from French immersion to a regular school, I struggled enough in those first two years that I think it helped them mellow a bit.
- However one day, I excitedly invited my parents (whom hadn’t seen me in years) to where I was living.
- It’s a shame that people can’t open up and consider another side when you are sharing your opinion just like they are.
My father often held more than one job just to keep the family fed and sheltered. Not only could we not afford any extra- curicular activities but, living in a small village meant that there were none on offer. To take music lessons your parents would have to drive you out of town once a week. My parenTs couldn’t afford a musical instrument. Or maybe they didn’t value that kind of education. If the local school didn’t offer it, then we wouldn’t have it. And the local school offered no choices in curriculum, zero. Interesting story, but you do realize you would’ve turned out OK if your parents HADN’T forced those harsh, oppressive tactics on you, right? That’s the big problem with Asian parenting in North America. This blinkered thinking that “if we don’t oppress our child, and keep him from all that ‘sinful’ western influence”, he’ll turn out to be a homeless drug addict and he won’t be there to look after us in our old age. Not every Asian kid needs or wants to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer, and I salute those who stick up for themselves and have success in the arts, or the many well-paying trades this country has to offer. They pushed us pretty hard and used to tell us “there’s no such thing as friends” that the only relationships you form are those that will help you. I didn’t date in high school or even college, which resulted in me not dating even in my early 20s. I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was 29. I’ve never been drunk(and I don’t think that’s a bad thing) and I’m 47. But many immigrants dont know what they are doing but are still very nice – there is a big difference individually based on how they were parented but a lot of people were very primitively transactional about making families.
This goes well beyond gambling and into many types of activities. Science is still uncertain about when people become fully mature adults. In 2014 the National Academy of Sciences proposed that ages be considered the final stage of emotional and intellectual development. Despite any precocious emotional or intellectual maturity young people may possess, in most jurisdictions, an age of majority prevails. Everyone feels “mature enough” to make mature decisions before their elders say they’re ready. The University of Michigan and Harbaugh agreed Wednesday to a contract extension to keep the coach in Ann Arbor for the next five seasons. Industry leaders such as PokerStars and PartyGaming PLC have a considerably larger share of the market. Figures recently cited in the Financial Times give PokerStars a share of close to 25%. Revenues are undisclosed-the site and the network are owned by Rational Enterprises out of Costa Rica, which is owned by the Israeli Scheinberg family. In mid-2006, reports circulated that the company would go public in an IPO worth up to $3 billion. After the legal landscape changed, this IPO was never floated. The company crashed and burned in less than a year. Trading in Bicer shares was halted and subsequently suspended in July, 1991. How does Ayre confirm any of this is working? “My own basket of interests falls into the mainstream of your typical person who thinks like an 18-to-40-year-old male,” he says. “And that person is basically a person who thinks like me. So from my perspective, it’s very simple. If I like it, then I assume a lot of other guys are going to like it.” “It’s the purest conversion model that’s ever existed,” Ayre boasts. “We have calls to action on all of our programs that attract people to our Web properties.” And it’s almost friction-free. Just put down the remote control and turn to your computer. “It’s just a matter of clicking straight through to Bodog and sending money to us. It’s easy. It’s clean.” But when Ayre describes how these channels work, content quality doesn’t really sound like a top priority anyway. “I like him because he’s a brand ambassador for us,” Ayre says, squinting up through cracking TV makeup. “He’s everything Bodog stands for as a brand. Living life to the fullest. Me against him, right? The primeval challenge. Those are our brand values.” What does Bodog like about this particular fighter, I ask Ayre as he returns to his crate, reseating himself between the girls in the shade of crossed palm fronds. I am expecting some enlightenment on the topic of strikers versus grapplers, or the fine art of the takedown. But Ayre answers by turning to his favourite topic of all-one he’ll return to often in the conversations we’ll have over the next day and a half. And then there is Ayre himself, posed at the epicentre of this action.
I work late hours but I still find time to work with my children in math, science, etc. Interesting read, including the prosecutions side. Someone took an serious interest in the trial and kept a detailed blog. She was definitely was focused and diligent on carrying out the idea of killing her dad and if mom, who she got along with, had to go too, so be it. She doesn’t leave because she still hopes that her mother somewhere still loves her. This has nothing to do with the law, or morality, this has to do with seeing beyond our own presumptions so that we can try and make sense of what really happened here. If we fixate on the assumption that she was abused, and that this murder was caused by abuse, we ignore evidence to the contrary, and risk missing valuable insight. I feel the story is a very eye-opening view into the whole “tiger parents” approach. Surely there is bias because the author is an acquaintance of Jennifer Pan and also has similar upbringing but I wouldn’t call it an unfair bias. As horrible as I feel for saying this…honestly I feel like Jennifer got the raw deal here. Her dad…he got was he deserves, quite frankly. Poor Jennifer never got to have a life at all.
It is very disappointing to me when people can’t think a little deeper and judge. Some people with healthy families don’t understand and are really hard on people like me. I think this topic is very important and wish there was a way to reach out and support young Asian-Americans. I feel like people just endure the circumstances and hide it because they want to create the perfect persona. I always wanted to write a biography so that others can relate and know they are not alone, but my writing skills are not great. The one thing that kept me surviving was the power of questioning. I knew I was a good person, but why was it so painful to be good. That simple logic didn’t make sense and I made the decision to leave. It was scary since I had been so sheltered for so long, but it was the best time in my life. Although I worked 2 full time jobs, did not eat well, and had to take the bus and walk late at night, I felt so free. During this time I met someone and had a very unhealthy relationship. I never experienced love, support and nurture, so I latched on to him. I’ve only hugged my mother once and that was when I lost this boyfriend. Even in that case my mother blamed me for the failed relationship. I don’t think I’m the right person for this response. I agree that this kind of parenting is not good for children or their emotional well being/ emotional development. In fact, I think it can be very bad, especially to children that are more sensitive in temperament and are not as hardy/ resilient in spite of their environment. I, also, can speak to that experience as well as what I said in the earlier comment without contradicting. I don’t think many in my community, including myself, made it out without some form of scarring or at least some lasting impact from this kind of culture.
- It is not difficult to blame others, it is just difficult to blame one self.
- A GameSense booth is regularly set up and staffed to provide both educational programming and interactive games at the event.
- Are people actually demanding more and bizarre gossip than ever before?
- Shortly thereafter, she learned that Daniel was seeing a girl named Christine.
- And in between those two thoughts, I think there are a lot of personality issues that Jennifer developed that can’t be blamed on the parents.